c mo's classic game reviews

[c mo]

coconuts (atari 2600)



been playing this one for a few days now. this is an amazing game. much like noughts and crosses, the concept is simple but the angles of approach and the strategies are virtually infinite.

anyway, there's this monkey up in the trees and he's jumping around the treetops throwing coconuts (hence the name of the game) down at you. you have the ability to dodge these coconuts by either walking to the left or to the right; although i should point out here that there is a limit to how far you can walk (edge of the screen) so there's no way to just leave and get away from the monkey.

if, perchance, you fail to dodge one of the monkey's attacks, your trusty umbrella will absorb the blow. however, from that point onward, the umbrella is useless. if you get hit again, your pith helmet will save you from demise, but after that you're fucked if he hits you again.

graphics: 9/10
sound: 9/10
replay value: 10/10
unintentional risque double entendre: 7/10

[c mo]

today i played a game called "ultimate soccer" for the sega master system. when i loaded this game up my initial thoughts were something along the lines of, “hey, this looks like it might be a pretty cool little soccer game.” since i even mentioned this, you can probably tell already that this did not end up being the case. as usual, i didn’t bother with any of the advanced settings and basically just kept hitting buttons until the fucking gameplay began. the first major problem was that i was facing the wrong way. i was defending the goal at the top of the screen, which i did not really care for--i'm not sure if there was an option to change this, and i don't really give a fuck anymore. the second major problem was the music really sucked and added absolutely nothing to the game. i call these major problems, but really, if you compare these to the real major problem with this game, they become welcome features relatively speaking.



these fucking soccer players must be able to run a 40 in 2 seconds flat. the action is so fast that it’s almost impossible to control. players run the length of the soccer field in three seconds, steal balls from you without you even noticing them, and the ball ends up booted out of bounds at least once every six seconds. this event is the only reprieve in the madness of the actual play, while at the same time stopping the game way way too often. what you end up with is 4 seconds of “wtf is going on?” followed by 4 seconds of “wtf just happened?” ad nauseum

[kittyleap]

does it have john madden commentary though?

[c mo]

no its sega master system so it just has keith jackson and all he says is "whoa nelly" over and over

[kittyleap]

id prolly rate it down as well then

[Beard Rape]

Madden



If I remember this game properly, this is all the game is. A giant picture of John Madden on a title screen.

If you press start, he screams "FOOTBALL!" which is abruptly cut off by the sound of a guttural co sine wave pretending it is the equivalent of 60,000 screaming fans, all there to give props to Madden and his title screen.

Cheers. Game defeated.

/roll credits.


(I might've conveniently forgotten a few details along the way.)

[kittyleap]

what is an 'ibm' like bmi but for big guys like equal hater?

[Beard Rape]

I dunno. but if it ain't related to Madden, then I don't give a rats ass.

[c mo]

this one's called "all pro basketball" for the original nes system. up until today, i hadn’t played a decent basketball video game since dr. j and larry bird went one on one on the c64. i still haven’t. this game reminded me of ultimate soccer. while the action isn’t quite as ludicrous, i still found it very confusing and just couldn’t get a handle on what i was doing. to rub salt in the wound, i couldn’t even maintain possession of the ball long enough to dribble or pass it down court as the computer would steal it from me every time.



the game asks you before you play which end of the court you want to defend; the top or the bottom. this doesn’t really matter, however, as whenever you take the ball past half court, the camera "rotates" 180 degrees so the basket is always at the top of the screen. another nice touch is how there is a white unused area down the left-hand portion of the screen. this might actually be the coolest feature in this fucking game. i really don’t know what else to say here; i cannot imagine even in the days when the nintendo was still mildly interesting spending any more than a minute or so playing this game before throwing the controller down in disgust. thankfully, i never was a huge fan of basketball video games and so i’m confident i wouldn’t have ended up being one of the poor souls who shelled out four weeks’ allowance to buy this turd.

[c mo]

okay so this morning i fired up the old c-64 emulator and loaded up this game called 'cruel zone'. wait, is this even a game? when i first loaded this i actually lost count of how many different intro screens there were and began wondering if there was eventually going to be a game for me to play. apparently no fewer than eight different people cracked this game back in 1987. but why?



ahh, finally! i think… when i got to this particular screen shown here, i was fairly confident that the game had begun. the only thing is, i hadn’t picked up the controller yet. in fact, i sat and watched the action without picking up the controller for another minute or so. those six pac-man ghost shaped things were just swirling around the screen while a terribly repetetive c-64esque (read 'horrible') song played in the background.

i was like fuck it, so i finally decided to pick up the controller and “play” this game. i hit the fire button a few times and a couple of the ghosts disappeared. i kept hitting it until eventually they all disappeared and were replaced with six new enemies. i use the term “enemies” loosely here; they don’t seem to be a threat to your ship as they do not swoop low enough to come in contact with it. nor do they seem to possess any sort of fire-power, or if they do, they are not ready or willing to use it on you. anyway, yeah, you will fight... actually, no, you will shoot enemies such as sickles, plus-signs, floppy disks, and triangles.

if this at all sounds appealing to you then there is another forum out there called the 'great gay alliance' or some shit that you would probably enjoy as well. seriously, i made every attempt possible to get myself killed in this game to no avail. people actually spent time "cracking" this fucking piece of shit.

[c mo]

alright well today i played the flintstones on the sega genesis. it's a standard platform game like sonic or mario except that it sucks donkey dick. the premise of the game is that wilma lost her necklace or some shit while she was fixing you (you, as in fred) grits and ham or some shit--i didn't read all the fucking intro shit okay? well anyway you gotta go out and get her a new one, i dunno.



basically you walk to the right and hit dinosaurs with your club and jump on top of houses to collect stars all the while avoiding dinosaurs swooping out of the skies or emerging from stone cliffs. the game is filled with all the sort of "b.c" cliches you would expect from your average episode of the cartoon show. in other words it sucks

the game also had really fucking gay music. i got fed up with that fact and the game in general in oh, about sixty seconds

[electric cocksucking machine]

Originally Posted by c mo

alright well today i played the flintstones on the sega genesis. it's a standard platform game like sonic or mario except that it sucks donkey dick. the premise of the game is that wilma lost her necklace or some shit while she was fixing you (you, as in fred) grits and ham or some shit--i didn't read all the fucking intro shit okay? well anyway you gotta go out and get her a new one, i dunno.



basically you walk to the right and hit dinosaurs with your club and jump on top of houses to collect stars all the while avoiding dinosaurs swooping out of the skies or emerging from stone cliffs. the game is filled with all the sort of "b.c" cliches you would expect from your average episode of the cartoon show. in other words it sucks

the game also had really fucking gay music. i got fed up with that fact and the game in general in oh, about sixty seconds

is this the one where u roll dice on the world map 2 move around? also u should just make a new thread for these if ur gonna keep doing em cuz i dont wanna skim thru this thread 2 find em

[Beard Rape]

c mo should have his own gaming thread.

[Josue Alfonso]

I played "Populous" in the sega system. Very addictive. but now I have a Wii, and I have no idea where my sega's gone. I've been playing Harvest Moon. Excellent too. And you get to marry too.

[phuchuebuddy]

Blaster Master was a great classic game - Nintendo