c mo's classic game reviews

[c mo]

alright, well people, today's game is 'excite bike' for the nintendo entertainment system.



unfortunately, i'm not going to be able to rip this game apart and pepper this review with f-bombs because this game is actually not too bad. basically, you drive your motorcycle through a course consisting of various ramps and obstacles. if you crash your bike, you somehow magically get moved off the track and it takes some time to get back on the bike. if you over-heat your motor, your bike magically moves off the course as well. that's pretty weird imho but whatever's clever i guess.

so yeah there are some other options that i didn't bother with because i really didn't feel like it. overall i guess i'll give this game 7.5 points out of 10

[Star Ice Heart]

Excellent game C mo.

[c mo]

well folks today i decided to play one more random game and it just so happened that this game was going to be 'gorf' on the atari 2600



once again, i'm not going to be able to be too critical of this. it's an atari 2600 game so we know it's going to suck right off the bat. it's also 'gorf' so we know it's just a ripoff of several other far more popular games. the only real redeeming feature (if you really want to call it that) that the original 'gorf' arcade game had was the really strange voice. the game would say shit like 'i'm gorf robot', and 'insert coin space cadet'. i had to wiki this because the actual speech is completely unintelligible, but this is really all inconsequential because i'm talking about the atari 2600 version and it can't even speak unintelligibly.

so yeah basically you shoot the space invaders, the galaxians, the gyruss' and i think there's one more level but i didn't keep playing that long because, really, this is a complete waste of time

[venusflytrap]

w/e cmo, u know i can beat u in asteroids - any day of the week

[Beard Rape]

Goemon = half ass link clone, except... wait for it... HE'S A NINJA.

SUXESS

[c mo]

well, people, today i played a game called "megaman: the wily wars" for the sega genesis. i was kind of looking forward to playing this, as i had never heard of it before. somehow i gave myself the idea that this game was going to be some clever twist on the megaman franchise. i mean, it's called "the wily wars" after all rather than "megaman 29".



nothing is more disappointing than having high expectations and then discovering that the game is just a fucking remake of games you've already played ad nauseam. that's right, this is just a remake of the original megamans 1-3. to make matters worse, the remakes aren't even done very well. sure, the programmers took advantage of the better sega genesis graphics (lol not really) but who cares? and the music? it sucks dude. it sucks.



as for a silver lining, you can actually save your games. but ultimately, this is immaterial because i'm not going to play this shit again. ever.

[c mo]

so, folks, tonights venture into the land of classic video games brings us face to face with the all-time classic, "demolition herby" for the atari 2600. no, that's not a typo, it's demolition herby.



with atari 2600 games, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do to figure out what the fuck is going on other than just grabbing the joystick and moving it around randomly, occasionally pushing the button to see what happens for good measure. this game was no exception. apparently, i discovered, the object of the game is to fence off blocks in the game with your... um, green thing (i guess it's "herby") while avoiding the red-orange things. the red-orange things work against you by tearing down the fences you've already erected and/or by killing you (hence the "destruction" component).

well, that pretty much sums it up

[Beard Rape]

Herby seems to have feet. What is this, some kind of homage to the flintstones?

[c mo]

well today's game was 'burger time' for the colecovision. that's right, the colecovision. this console deserves a bit of an explanation because i think only about 14 people on the entire planet earth actually owned one of these things. look at this thing:



look at those fucked up controllers! who the fuck wants to play video games with controllers that look like that? luckily i don't actually own the thing and i can use whatever controller i want but i digress. the colecovision came out a few years after the atari (just in time for the videogame crash of 1983) and had superior graphics by far... but nowhere near as good as the nintendo that came out 2 years later. that's basically why this machine sucked (that and the controllers) and why absolutely nobody bought this thing.

anyway, burger time is one of i think about 22 games that they made for this thing. burger time. who the fuck came up with this concept? basically, you have to push down the ingredients of the burgers by walking on them (!) with your dirty feet and then they fall down into the plate. these are pretty huge burgers (either that or the chef is really tiny). anyway, while you try to do this, an egg and two strips of bacon try to kill you. and no, not by clogging up your arteries, they literally kill you. i'm not making this up people.



the music is just plain ear-piercing (i had to turn that shit off) and the game-play is pretty much impossible. whoever programmed this thing made it so the egg and bacon strips home in on you no matter what (much like the algorithm for the runners in lode runner) but there are so few options of where to go and you move so fucking slow that you will get killed no matter what. and i played the easiest setting.

i can't imagine how many kids must have been in tears back in 1983 trying to play this frustrating game with loud annoying music and a controller that looks like a cross between a telephone and a cigarette lighter

[Suicide Boy]

I prefer Intellivision tbh, fuck Colecovision.

[D.O.A.]

what the fuck did the hash key do

[Torque Button]

Originally Posted by Beard Rape

c mo should have his own gaming thread.

a blog would be better don't ya think?

[Star Ice Heart]

I like this tread =)

[c mo]

Originally Posted by Torque Button

a blog would be better don't ya think?

not doing a blog. i'll tell you the same thing i told jason: don't click on the thread if you don't like it

Originally Posted by D.O.A.

what the fuck did the hash key do

with any luck the trap-door on the console would pop open and a firmly rolled joint would emerge, but i'm pretty sure that anyone who actually bought this thing wasn't the lucky type

[Torque Button]

My uncle had a coleco vision, it was the top dog in it's day. He has all kinds of cool old stuff because he spoiled my cousins all their life. I guess things change over time in all industries, compare a model t to a turbo supra for example.